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English funny stories

ieltsCNR - Father: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice."
Son: "I will choose my own bride!"
Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case... ok."

Next, Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case... ok."

Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case... ok."

This is how business is done!!!

*******************

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization. Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well, "he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.

It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared; we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have
that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice.

"Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

**************

A distinguished looking young lady is on a flight returning from Switzerland. She finds herself seated next to a priest and asks"

Excuse me father, may I ask a favour of you?"

"Well of course Miss, what can I do for you?" he replies.

"Here's the dilemma, I purchased for myself, a superbly sophisticated electronic hair remover. I paid a lot of money for it. I really went well over the limits set forth by Customs, and I fear they will confiscate it from me. Could you perhaps secret it through Customs for me under your robes?"

"I certainly could my dear, only I must warn you I really am not ever able to lie..."

"You have such an honest face father, surely they will never ask any questions of you," and with that she hands him the hair remover.

After landing they proceed through Customs and it becomes the father's turn in line.

"Father, do you have anything to declare?" asks the Custom's officer.

"From the top of my head to my waist I have nothing to declare my son."

Finding this answer a little strange the custom's officer proceeds to ask, "And from the waist to the floor, what do you have to declare?"

The father replies, "I have a marvellous little instrument destined to be used on a woman, but which has never yet been used..."

Roaring with laughter the Custom's officer says, "Go right through father.

Next!"

****************

Mr.Knott is a teacher of a school in London. It's a long way to his school from his house so he is usually tired when he gets home. 
One day, he got home, was tired as uasual. He was in bed when someone called him. He went downstairs, picked up the phone and said,' Hello. Who's speaking. please?'
- Watt.
- What's your name, sir?
- Watt's my name.
- Yes, I asked you that. What's your name?
- I told you. Watt's my name. Are you Jack Smith?
- No, I'm Knott.
- Will you give me your name, please?
- Will Knott.
Both the men hanged up the phone angrily and thought,' What a stupid, rude man.'

******************

There are a lot of different kinds of Christian groups in the world, and one of them decided that they would adopt the motto: "There are no problems, There are only opportunities. People think too much about dificulities which prevent them from doing good deeds", they said, "and not enough about things that help them to do then".
Once this group was having a big conference in a hotel, when one of the members came up to the cofnerence inquiries desk and to the girl behind it, "Excuse me, mis, but I have a problem!"
The girl pointed to the motto, and said to the man,"No, sir, you haven't got a problem. You only have an opportunity"
The man smiled patiently at her and answered: "Well, you can call it whatever you like, but there's a young woman in the room I was given when I arrived 20' ago". 

*****************

A woman was having some trouble with her heart, so she went to see the doctor. He was a new doctor, and did not know her, so he first asked some questions, and one of them was ,"How old are you ?"
"Well," she answered , "I don't remember, doctor, but I will try to think". She though for a minute and then said, "Yes, I remember now, doctor! When I married, I was eighteen years old, and my husband was thirty. Now my husband is sixty, I know; and that is twice thirty. So I am twice eighteen. That is thirty-six, isn't it?

 

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